This One Text From My Wife Taught Me Everything About Work Support in Marriage

She Save Lives, I Sit in Meetings: What I Learned About Marriage from Our Wildly Different Careers

The Dilemma

I married a nurse. I’m a data geek. Our jobs couldn’t be more different - she literally saves lives, and I build financial models. She hasn’t worked in an office and I haven’t worked in a hospital. How can you better understand your spouse, brainstorm with them, better describe your workday, and the nuances of your everyday choices?

Jason (the data geek) and his wife, Brooke (the nurse).

#1: Give them the Benefit of the Doubt

I remember one day early in my career where I was going to have to work late. I texted my wife to tell her, and she could have had a number of responses, such as:

Why do you have to stay late? We have plans.

Forget work! You should quit your job.

That’s fine. See you tomorrow.

Can I bring you dinner?

She chose to send the dinner question.

Here’s why her response meant so much to me:

• It shows trust. She knows I’d rather be home than at work, that I’ve likely deliberated the options, and that she trusts my decision. She’s not challenging it.

• It shows support. She acknowledges the situation and (while it’s not ideal) is supporting me. She sees bringing dinner as still an opportunity for connection.

• It shows understanding. She’s likely imagining me there, stressed and miserable, and she understands what would be helpful.

I fully realize that all the potential responses above could be justified. The first answer (“Why do you have to stay late? We have plans.”), may actually be a good text to send especially if you're the type of person who stays late every night and needs someone to remind them of their priorities. But 99% of the time that first answer doesn’t help.

Takeaway: To build this trait, discuss with your spouse something you could do to improve your communication on a-typical day. For example, you could discuss scenarios such as staying late or traveling for work.

#2: Brainstorm with Your Spouse

I was once working on a project that included creating a new product and selling it on TV. It was a difficult nut to crack to decide on the product and at what price. One evening I described all of the choices to my wife and she came up with a brilliant product idea.

My wife helped come up with an idea to do small, medium, and large ring boxes since most people don’t know their ring size.

Soliciting ideas from outside of your company/industry typically leads to better results. In fact, Nobel-prize winners are 22x more likely to be amateur actors, dancers, magicians, and other performers. Inspiration can come from anywhere, including your spouse.

Takeaway: Set aside time regularly to discuss what problems you’re working on and invite your spouse to help work through them with you. They may not be job-related, but could be people-related or company-related.

#3: Explaining Your Work

Perhaps the most common question I get asked by my spouse after work is how my day was. Today, as I’m writing this, I had a really fun day, which among other things included golfing at Top Golf. My wife was at home with our four kids. She’s sick and our car had a flat tire. Our days couldn’t be more different. And I may be tempted to gloss over my “great” day since I knew she had a difficult one.

So when she asks me how my day is, what’s the right answer? I would argue it should be something like this:

It was great. We did a team building activity at Top Golf, and it really built unity with our leadership team. We’ve been having to make some tough decisions lately and this was a nice chance to reset.

Let’s notice what I didn’t do:

• I didn’t downplay or sugarcoat it. That leads to a dangerous path where she can’t trust what I say (e.g., I don’t mention Top Golf and then later let it slip). A good marriage is built on trust.

• I didn’t dumb it down. There’s nothing more frustrating than talking with another adult who treats you like a child. Your spouse is smart, and likely understands (mostly) how your job works, so state the facts and let them ask questions.

• I didn’t go into too much detail. Her day was terrible; I don’t need to spend five minutes talking about the new Angry Birds TopGolf game unless I think that will help her understand why I was at TopGolf.

Oftentimes I think we overlook the why of what we do at work. Doing an activity is fun, but explaining why we did the activity helps your spouse start to connect the dots. Explaining who was there, why, etc. also helps them map the social structure of your organization.

One of the benefits of marriage, in my opinion, is knowing someone so well you can see the world a little like they do. Your career should be no exception.

Takeaway: Try to explain a day-in-the-life of your job to your spouse, which should include key activities, people, and why you make the decisions you do. Don’t sugarcoat, dumb it down, or go into too much detail, but stay focused on really mapping it out. This will help build empathy and understanding.

#4: Describe Your Choices

I would say one of the most interesting things about being married to a nurse is understanding how complicated nursing is. Every patient is different. Medications react differently with each other. I love hearing about the critical decision making process. Her mastery in this just makes me love her more.

For me, it’s been helpful to describe not only what I do but what I don’t do. For example, I’ll share if there was a dinner I was invited to but declined so I could be home with our family. Generally that helps so if there is a dinner I must attend, she knows it must be important enough since I’ve declined previous ones. I say no to projects, prioritize my time, etc. so I can build balance in my life (something we’ve written about previously). Creating balance is deliberate and your spouse should understand the tradeoffs you are making.

There’s so many choices you make in a day, many of which aren’t even necessarily job-related, but are still noteworthy. Share the choices you’re making! Open up your world a little more! For example, I’ll share about a really interesting meeting, who I ate lunch with, and about a plant I bought for my office.

In marriage you’re really looking for connection; and by sharing these I’m opening up and providing a bridge for my spouse to connect with me. She may not have much to comment on with a meeting or lunch mates, but perhaps her knowing about that plant you bought opens up an inside joke on office plants.

Takeaway: Take the time to describe your everyday choices. Tell your spouse about what you hung up at your desk space, why you prescribed a certain medication to a patient, or about a meeting where you made a decision. Also be sure to include what you did not do (e.g., attend a dinner). This will further build connection and empathy with your spouse.

In Conclusion

I would encourage you to try the four takeaways described:

1. Give them the benefit of the doubt

2. Brainstorm with your spouse

3. Explain your work

4. Describe your choices

You spend 40+ hours per week at your job where you are separated from your spouse. Whether you want it to or not it is part of your life and who you are. There are so many pressures, workplace dynamics, and other factors that should be shared with your spouse. It will strengthen your marriage by further developing empathy and understanding.

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